Living with the ghost of her ex isn’t easy, especially when she keeps bringing him up.
You can’t always tell if she is just venting about and ex, or if they are coming up because she is missing them.
What you do know is that when it happens it immediately makes you start to compare yourself to this ghost, and wonder about your own importance in her life.
You can learn how to get her to stop talking about her “Ex” in 3 easy steps.
The key to the steps is to always –
- Be gentle
- Be curious
- Be firm
You want to make those the rules of your communication.
You won’t get far with being defensive or with laying down ultimatums.
It may take a few weeks to get the “Ex talk” to taper off, but it could be worth it.
If not, it is going to reveal something about the type of person she is that may mean she is not the right one for you.
Step #1 – Be gentle
If she keeps bringing up her Ex in reference to things that the two of you are going to do, don’t assume that she is doing it to compare the two of you.
Ask her gently if her mention of the Ex means that she would rather do something else.
You can also gently prompt her to switch the talk to how she is feeling about the two of you by asking if what she is remembering has anything to do with the present and what is going on between the two of you.
Step #2 – Be curious
Be curious but direct and ask her why she keeps bringing her Ex up.
Say something like, “Gee, you keep bringing him up – it almost feels like there is a third person here; what does that mean with you – is there anything I should be concerned about.
Chances are the easiest way to get her to stop talking about her Ex in 3 easy steps is to make her aware that she is doing it.
A lot of people don’t even realize they are talking that much about them.
Making her aware that she is, without getting defensive or accusing, will help her to check herself before she speaks.
It shouldn’t be a door that is closing, but one that is used appropriately.
Step #3 – Be firm
If she just goes on and one about him, you need to set some boundaries.
Let her know that you know the Ex was a big part of her life, but that the Ex wasn’t a part of yours and you don’t want to spend that much time with someone that isn’t there.
You want to spend time with the person that is.
- Don’t issue an ultimatum.
- Don’t get angry.
- Mention how changing the conversation could help the two of you get closer by spending more time talking about the present.
Another important aspect of getting her to stop talking about her Ex is to check yourself and make sure that you aren’t doing the same.
Very often, people will follow the lead of the other in a relationship when it comes to conversation.
Are you talking about yours too much?
You should also listen to what she is saying about her Ex.
If she is giving away what are very vulnerable details about a person from a prior relationship this could mean that she really isn’t that trustworthy.
Relationships are sacred space.
Like Las Vegas, what happens in one should stay in one and not become fodder for conversation.